Love my wife

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Signs that Your Marriage is in Danger- Part Deux

The second sign that can signify danger in a marriage is if couples stop investing in each other. I presented this topic previously as reason for high divorce rates, https://twobecomingwon.com/2015/07/15/marriage-investment.  

In order to get a return on any relationship there must be some sort of intentional investment. If the only time a husband and wife meet is after work in the evening’s for dinner, and the rest of the time is filled with children activities or home projects, there will not be much of a foundation to build upon.  
We all have a need to feel loved, accepted and valued. This is especially important in a marriage. Failure to invest in these needs leaves your spouse’s “marriage bank” depleted. When the emotional needs bank is running in empty there is room for bitterness, resentment and lack of intimacy. When these items are continually deposited into this “bank,” disappointment and desperation can set in.  

This can be, and usually is a slow fade. We will reap from a relationship what we sow. How are you investing in your marriage or relationship? 

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Signs That Your Marriage is In Danger

 It was a clear but brisk day in the Fall. Everything was seemingly going well with Joe and Elaine. But on this day Joe entered the kitchen as one enters a theater knowing exactly where they will be seating. Noticing Elaine by the sink, he dropped the bomb; “I don’t want to be married anymore.” Elaine stood lifeless as if a news anchor had just announced that Mars was invading the Earth.  

These are fictional names but the situation is only slightly altered. How could something like this happen? Is this even possible? Weren’t there warning signs? 

 The answer to all these questions is yes. As the old adage says, where there’s smoke there’s fire. Unfortunately, individuals in a marriage sometimes either ignore the “smoke” or have blinders tending only to the busyness of life.  As a way to bring some light to this scenario, I will be presenting 5 warning signs that a marriage may be in trouble.  

The number one sign is if couples avoid discussing a difficult topic.

Sometimes couples find themselves in a precarious position of not wanting to discuss a difficult topic as if somehow, magically it will disappear.  This can be an unresolved argument regarding the house, work, kids, finances or a possible problem relationship with someone from the opposite sex.  

Unresolved conflicts can fester and just like cancer, metastasize to all areas of the marriage relationship. Couples with healthy marriages leave no stones unturned when it comes to discussing the difficult things. They understand that the “woness” of a marriage depends on it.

I will be going into the other signs on the next few posts.  Feel free to add some other signs that you think are important. 

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Marriage Valentines 

As Valentines Day has come and gone, I wanted to share my thoughts on Valentines as an acrostic for our marriage life as “won.”

  
VIBRANT 

Letting our love life be lively, dynamic and active. Not letting our marriage life to be passive.    

ALIVE 

Keeping our marriage alive by paying attention to each other 

LOVE 

We don’t just say we love each other, we show each other love daily 

ENCOURAGE 

 Encouraging each other when one may be feeling down. 

NURTURE

Investing in each other emotionally and spiritually 

TIME

In all the business of life we make time for our marriage. Never putting  our marriage relationship on the back burner

INTERESTING  

Keeping marriage interesting by not allowing routine to define our marriage 

NOVEL

Trying new and novel ways to express our love for one another.

ENJOY 

Enjoying  each day because tomorrow is not guaranteed 

SERVE

Letting our marriage life be marked by serving each other 

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5 things a wife wants to hear from her husband 

 So if your reading this, you probably read my wonderfully brilliant, kind and loving husband’s post https://twobecomingwon.com/2016/01/31/5-things-husbands-want-to-hear-from-their-wives/.   So we, the we being us “two becoming won”, decided it was only fitting that I write the same article from a wife’s view. 
 But first let me talk to the guys out there… If you’re reading this and thinking , “But I’m just not a ‘words’ kind of guy”.. that’s ok. And as a matter of fact ladies, I’m going to tell you the same. This may be a list of things a wife wants to hear, but I’m giving you permission to abide by the old saying “Actions speak louder than words” So as we go through this list, think of ways you can, well, show the words!

1) I love you

Seems pretty common and simple right? But for sure, as years, bills, kids and careers pile on, the most simple and basic words that spurred your life together into motion is either forgotten, assumed or presumed. So for this one, I’m going to break my own rule right off the back! My husband expresses his love for me through numerous acts of service. But nothing beats the butterflies I feel, when he stops the world and stirs such a deep sense of security as when holds me in his arms and says three little words, I LOVE YOU.

  
2) What I love about you

In one of our favorite movies, Jerry McGuire, there is a scene where Dorothy asks Jerry “Why do you love me?” To me, this is the same as asking what is it about me that you hold in high regard. It’s important to a wife that her husband not only tell her he loves her, but to tell her what it is that he loves about her. Her smile, how hard she works, be it in the house, with the kids or in her career… Hearing her husband acknowledge and actively recognize her positive attributes, contributions and qualities lets her know that he pays attention to her. 

3) I Appreciate You

Everyone wants to know that they are appreciated and us wives are no different. I get it, life can get busy and we all go into auto drive in our daily grind. For Rob and I, we do a lovely little automated dance in the morning: I cook our breakfast and make lunches while he makes coffee and unloads the dishwasher. We weave and move around each other like the most precisely choreographed super hero fight scene. It would be very easy for him to eat his breakfast and lunch without a second thought and I myself don’t do any of the above looking for a pat on the head. It’s what makes our lives work. But it does warm my heart, to hear him tell me that he appreciates me and the extra time and effort I take for him and our family.

4) I Hear You

Now, this may come as a surprise to some of you reading this, but every once and a while us wives may have an opinion on a few things, a complaint, maybe even a dilemma or two that we’ll bring to our husbands. Now here is the thing, we aren’t necessarily looking for a solution as much as we are just looking for an understanding ear. We don’t want to know how to fix it, or what to do about it, all a wife wants to know is that her husband is not only listening but sympathizes with her and understand her viewpoint and how she feels, even if he may disagree. This is a sign of respect, validation, and recognition.

5) You are Beautiful

Yeah, sounds rather cliché and maybe even shallow. But before marriage, during the dating stage, the wife’s now husband told her a time or two that she was, in fact beautiful. Wives as women have many admirable, dare I say beautiful attributes beyond outward beauty; we are smart, strong, kind, passionate and we love to have each one of those recognized by our husband (and husbands are more than welcomed to mention some of those in the “What do you love about me”? category). But every wife wants to know that her husband still finds her beautiful in every sense of the word.

So there it is. These five things, all in all, are expressions of love that are not only good for a wife to hear but good for the husband to remember and therefore, good for the marriage. If you think I left anything out or there is something you wives would like to hear form you husbands I’d love to hear your thoughts so please leave a comment.

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5 Things Husbands Want To Hear from Their Wives

Communication is vital to the lifeline of any relationship. This couldn’t be more true of the marriage relationship. Oftentimes problems occur not because of what was said but because of what isn’t said.  This can be just as important for husbands as it is for wives.

I know this may come as a surprise, but men often times have a hard exterior which houses a fragile ego. I know that sometimes my ego has been bruised by something my wife did not say or something I wish she had said.  
Therefore, I wanted to list the top five things that most husbands want to hear their wives say:

1. Husbands want to know that their wives want them. This is different from needing. Sure, as men we want to be needed, but NOT all the time. (Truth is, we want to be needy…but that’s another story). A man wants to hear that his wife wants his opinion or his help.

2. Husbands also like to hear that they are important. Ladies, you may not even have to say it. But if a woman asks her husband for his opinion on even a trivial matter, he will feel important.

3. Another important thing that husbands like to hear from their wives is that she will follow him. As men, we want to lead and knowing that your wife is following you makes us feel like a good leader.

4. Husbands also need to know that their wives believe in them. This makes men feel like they can accomplish anything.  

5. And one of the most important things that husbands need to hear from their wives is that they’ve done a good job. Whether it’s a home project or fixing a car, before any criticism is given, please, please, for the love: tell your husband he’s done good. This will build him up and allow him to deal with any constructive opinions.  

Try these 5 things and I guarantee that it will pay dividends in your marriage relationship.

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3 Reasons We Like Working Out

I have always been pretty athletic and interested in sports in general. I played several sports but was most fond of futbol (or soccer). 

In my latter years I have picked a previous interest: weightlifting. I have also developed an interest, through my dear wife, in CrossFit. It’s probably because as a coach, she gets to tell me what to do and how to do it.  A scenario my wife would like mirrored at home, LOL!  

But on a serious tip, there are three main reasons I enjoy working out now: One, is that working out and doing Crossfit parallels our marriage in terms of the encouragement we give one another. Just when I think I can’t go further, Lisa pushes me a little. (She probably wishes this also applied to projects around the house). The same is true when she is struggling to come up from her last squat rep. When we come across the obstacles in life, I have her back and she has mine.

  

The other reason I enjoy working out more than ever is the teamwork that it takes. I know this may sound strange but stay with me. In order for our bodies to meet the demands of exercising, we need proper nutrition. Well, I can make great scrambled eggs and a mean peanut butter and jelly sandwich, but that will leave us in an energy deficit! Lisa on the other hand, is a GREAT cook and does our meal preps. Whereas I, do the cleaning. In other words, we each serve important function in our team or “won.” 

The third and final reason I like working out with my wife: It’s just fun hanging out with her!! 

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What Does Our Marriage Communicate?

I’ve been married 19 years and I just recently thought about what our life communicates to our kids. What have I taught my son about how a woman should be treated? What have my actions reflected about my love for my wife? In turn, how has Lisa’s married life impacted our daughter?

I guess we often think about what kind of legacy we will leave our family. I wasn’t always a good role model, but as I matured in my Christian walk and as the refinement process continues, I would think that I became a better husband, leader, father and disciple. I can certainly say beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have seen that growth in my wife.  

As we have both grown, Lisa and I have made it a point to impart the importance of servant leadership. As I lead my wife, I try to do so by serving her. She has done the same by serving her family faithfully and sacrificially. We have been most encouraged in our “woness” by hearing others tell us that our lives are an inspiration.     This gives us great joy. Not the kind of happiness that leads us to believe that we have reached the mountain top. But instead, a humble joy that God would choose to use such broken vessels to speak life to those hurting or those contemplating marriage.  

I think I can speak for my bride of 19 years when I say that in 2016, we would like most of all to communicate love. Not the emotion. But the verb. We would like to reflect in our lives what Jesus commanded His disciples in John 13:34-35, “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

In this manner we can be sure we will leave a legacy of “won.”

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Better to Do Than to Receive 

Christmas is indeed a beautiful time of the year. I know this post may be a little late…but, oh well.  The hope in anticipation of something new can be very exciting. We anticipate spending time with the ones we love, we anticipate some time off and relaxation. We look forward to Christmas parties and exchanging gifts with people we love.  
Right around this time there is a natural temptation to go all out and be frivolous as a result of being influenced by our materialistic culture.  

There is nothing wrong with expressing love with gifts. After all, some people’s love language is giving gifts. However, Christmas time has become associated with buying more and more. The true message of the Greatest gift is lost with all the hustle and bustle. Furthermore, the sharing of quality time with your spouse is a gift in and of itself.

This Christmas we took a different approach. Although we did exchange some gifts, our motto has become “have less, do more.” This started with our 3rd annual Christmas Eve ice skating outing. We not only shared falls, but laughs and created lots of memories.    

These memories in turn are how the foundation of love continually gets patched up and strengthened. Furthermore, that which is strengthened, is maintained. And that which is maintained is preserved. This is how two stay at “won.”

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My Longest Night

I don’t know if anybody else has been through this, but I; well my wife and I, were recently in a spirited disagreement which led us to do the unthinkable: go to bed mad at each other with our backs towards each other.

You know that moment in a “discussion” when an impasse is reached and there’s no going backwards. There is an option of saying “I’m sorry,” whether or not you’re to blame, another option would be to say “I think we should agree to disagree.” Yet another option would be to stay angry and not communicate at all. You know, the mature thing to do.
Well, we’ve been there recently. The topic of the argument or discussion doesn’t really matter. I don’t know if it really ever does. But on this particular day, for some reason, the topic mattered either because of pride, stubbornness, or stupidity. You know, there has to be a winner and a loser. So our voices got louder as if there was a third-party listening to declare the person with the loudest voice a winner.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, nightfall come and then the awkward time of going to bed without resolution. Do I say good night, do I not say good night, do I say “I love you?”

Do I say anything at all? Do I even sleep in the same bed? What are the rules of engagement? Well, we actually said nothing at all. And it was one of the longest nights of my life.  

You see, even if our anger is justified, it should not supersede love. Just as Paul wrote in Ephesians 4:26, we should not “let the sun go down in our anger.” The anger to which Paul refers is justified anger against injustice or against the precepts of God. Even this anger however, cannot go unchecked or be long lasting. Therefore, our default  (what ours should have been) should  be to swallow pride, engage our spouse and say, “Because I love you, I would like for us to discuss this later. I love you, goodnight.”

In this manner the fellowship of love is not broken. In this manner two can stay at “won.” And to put it simply, tomorrow is not guaranteed for anybody.

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Celebrating 19

19thAnniversaryIt was a rainy day in July, 1996. Although this event was to be held outdoors, threats of hurricane type weather forced the occasion to be indoors. I was nervous about what was about to occur. Was this inclement weather an omen of turbulence ahead? Did I make the right decision? Was I stable enough in my career?   After all, I hadn’t really planned for any of this to happen this way. I wanted to be well established before I tied the knot. Was I truly ready to be a husband? A father?

Well, all those fears and anxieties came to a halt when I saw the doors open at the Merion Tribute House. I know we had invited guests, but all I could see was this angel, dressed in white and a smile that could’ve lit up a New York black out. Her beauty radiated with each step and came to an ever increasing crescendo as she approached me.

I thank God for that moment 19 years ago. Although I was a different man then, somewhat insecure and scared about the future, that beautiful angel has not changed at all. She still gives me strength, courage and confidence. She has also shown me patience, kindness and unconditional love. I have since then become the true man that my angel deserves.

Rob n Lisa Godspell 2014

My angel has always been the wind in my sails, the coffee in my cream, the syrup in my pancakes and the milk in my cereal. So in honor of my beautiful wife, I’d like to share some things that these 19 years have taught me about marriage: First, you can never have enough love. Although we have had our ups and downs, love has brought us back to common ground. Through love we have battled back from a few disagreements and arguments. Through love we have stuck together during difficult times that could’ve easily caused division. As Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 13, our mantra has been “love is patient, love is kind.”

Second, through mutual submission servant leadership has been the focus of our union. Not having had a model for leading in a marriage, I had no idea what this meant much less how to start. But as I learned over the years from Scripture and godly men, the way to lead was through serving my wife. In doing so, we have humbly served each other without keeping tabs of who has done more. Love to serve and serve to love became a model for us. Serving in a Christ like manner, we have attempted to model Christ’s love to our children.

And finally, by forgiving one another we have avoided bitterness, resentment and division. As stated in Scripture, we are forgiven by forgiving. This could not be more important in a marriage. Although there have been times when I just knew “I was right,” this became less important as the two of us grew into “won.” It was only by forgoing our pride and self-satisfaction that the importance of forgiveness became clear.

So as I reflect on my 19 years of “woness,” I thank God for His grace to us. I thank my wonderful angel for her love, grace, and forgiveness. I look forward to many more years of our life together and more chocolate cake.