5 Things Husbands Want To Hear from Their Wives

Communication is vital to the lifeline of any relationship. This couldn’t be more true of the marriage relationship. Oftentimes problems occur not because of what was said but because of what isn’t said.  This can be just as important for husbands as it is for wives.

I know this may come as a surprise, but men often times have a hard exterior which houses a fragile ego. I know that sometimes my ego has been bruised by something my wife did not say or something I wish she had said.  
Therefore, I wanted to list the top five things that most husbands want to hear their wives say:

1. Husbands want to know that their wives want them. This is different from needing. Sure, as men we want to be needed, but NOT all the time. (Truth is, we want to be needy…but that’s another story). A man wants to hear that his wife wants his opinion or his help.

2. Husbands also like to hear that they are important. Ladies, you may not even have to say it. But if a woman asks her husband for his opinion on even a trivial matter, he will feel important.

3. Another important thing that husbands like to hear from their wives is that she will follow him. As men, we want to lead and knowing that your wife is following you makes us feel like a good leader.

4. Husbands also need to know that their wives believe in them. This makes men feel like they can accomplish anything.  

5. And one of the most important things that husbands need to hear from their wives is that they’ve done a good job. Whether it’s a home project or fixing a car, before any criticism is given, please, please, for the love: tell your husband he’s done good. This will build him up and allow him to deal with any constructive opinions.  

Try these 5 things and I guarantee that it will pay dividends in your marriage relationship.

We don’t feed the Machine

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We don’t Feed the Machine

So what are you getting your wife for Valentines Day? Are you getting your wife flowers? Every year these questions are asked of me by some women at the work. There is such an expectation to hear some great, elaborate story that it almost seems like a chance to live vicariously through a romantic tale. The irony of it all is that usually these questions are asked by ladies who openly complain of their married lives and how much their husbands don’t do. The interviewers are almost dumfounded when they hear my response: “We don’t feed the machine.”

I understand about doing something special for the one you love, which sweeps her off her feet all over again. But why should this be relegated to one day of the year that dates back to the 5th century? Why should the expectation of treating the one you love, the one with whom you became “won” be for only 1 out of 365 days?

Well, before I get labeled as a curmudgeon, I will say that I like to do special things for the love of my life. I like to be spontaneous, romantic and do things that just make my wife feel as if she were a newlywed. But I enjoy doing these things throughout the year instead of one day where society has created an expectation that a husband’s love is to be proved with flowers, chocolate and cards. The only spontaneous, romantic thing I cannot do is breakfast in bed. Why you ask. Unfortunately I cannot cook. : (

However, I like to clean after my wife cooks. I like to vacuum, sweep and mop the floor. What I like even more is to hear my wife say, “Thank you honey,” after I do these things. Not that she needs to say this but to know that I did something special for my beautiful wife is GREAT! To see the look of relief on my love’s face as if she were to say, “I am so glad I don’t have to do that after I’ve just done…,” is so satisfying that if makes me want to do it again. Why? Because I love her and she deserves it. You see, the Bible is clear on how I should treat my wife: with respect and in a way that protects her. In fact, in 1 Peter 3:7, Peter states that if we neglect this, a husband’s prayer will not be answered.  This refers to how a husband treats his wife on a daily basis.  Not on special occasions.

By telling my wife that I love her throughout the year, two can truly become “won.” This is not necessarily done with words, although saying “I love you” everyday is important, but with actions. This is especially true since love is a verb not a feeling. If this is practiced often it is easy to continue. It takes a lot more inertia to do this once a year. Just sayin’…. Happy Valentine’s Day!!

Sacrifice in marriage…a requirement for success

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Everything that is worth having is worth working for. This old adage couldn’t be any truer than in the marriage relationship. In the context of marriage this “working for” can be labeled as sacrifice. Sacrifice has a bad connotation in our society when it comes to relationships because we are told to always look out for number one. But we admire those who sacrifice of themselves for others in other contexts- military, physicians, firefighters, etc.

When you sacrifice for someone, you show them love. And love is more of a verb than an emotion and therefore requires action. Love as a feeling is conditional and dependent on our mood or our feelings. True love however, should cause you act in tangible ways for the one you love. We think of our spouse’s well being first. True love requires sacrifice.

Men, by nature are explorers, conquerors, and protectors. The first two characteristics serve well in the context of dating. But when a commitment is made, when two truly become “won”, the role of protector should take over. As such, sacrificing of ourselves for our wives should come as a natural extension of who we are. When we sacrifice of ourselves for our wives, it communicates that they are important, that we care about them and we want what’s best for them. Sacrificing of ourselves more importantly puts us second. This is not only sacrifice, but it’s the basis of servant leadership.

What does sacrifice look like in the context of marriage you ask? Great question! Well, I can say I would watch “The Notebook” with my wife if she wanted me to instead of the World Cup but I would be lying! Just kidding. But really, there would be no way I could do that. That would be a disgrace to my Brazilian heritage! Ok, just kidding again. I think…

True sacrifice in marriage means that I would be willing to do whatever is needed for my spouse’s well being. That means I will be cancelling a planned golfing weekend to be with my wife after a stressful week. This means that I will leave work early to pick up and stay with the kids if she needs time with her friends. This means that I will wash dishes after she has cooked. And it definitely means that I will help her onto a boat if I sense danger in the water while snorkeling. … Well actually this is one area that I failed since I did the exact opposite when confronted with the same situation during our honeymoon. But to my defense, it was my first time snorkeling. Ha!

The real take home point here is that when we sacrifice for our loved ones we are really sacrificing for ourselves because in marriage two become “won.”

We’ve got work to do…

So in my last post I alluded to the fact that marriage takes work. Everything that is worth having is worth working for.  I want to expand on this and share my view of the kind of work that is involved in a marriage.  I have tried to condense the work involved in marriage into the three C’s.

 Communication:

        Whether it’s work, organizations, or relationships they all require communication to function.  In marriages this is vital in order for a couple to survive.  In too many marriages however, this communication is one sided.  The stereotypical picture is a woman talking to her husband while he stares aimlessly and dumbfounded at the TV. But is it really true that women talk more than men? Actually, it turns out to be an urban legend according to a study by researchers at the University of Arizona. But I digress.

         Without a two way communication it is impossible for the institution of marriage to function as it should.  Where there is poor communication there is misunderstanding.  Where there is misunderstanding there is bitterness.  Unresolved bitterness over time leads to divorces.  If we can communicate at our jobs and within groups, shouldn’t we work just as hard in our marriages? 

This may be occasionally difficult at times but it is worth it. Remember if momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!   : )

 Compromise:

The Rolling Stones had a hit song called “you can’t always get what you want.” This couldn’t be any truer in the marriage relationship.  But should it be about getting what we want?  If two are truly becoming “won”, then the focus will be her or him instead of me or I.   When a couple can compromise, communication improves. When communication improves there is understanding.  The focus then shifts from getting what I want to getting what’s best for “won”. Don’t we look for athletes to think of the team rather than themselves? Why should the thinking be any different for a marriage relationship which is so much more important? This does take work but again, it is worth it!

 Customize:

Finally, we arrived at the last C of marriage work.  In a marriage relationship there can be a lot of distracters such as work issues, children activities, family issues and emotional issues (No disrespect ladies) that can alter or change communication and compromise.  What happens then? Well, we must be flexible.  Also men – we must be sensitive to times when our wives may require a little “extra grace.”  One thing to remember during these times is the following: Chocolate saves lives.

 I hope you enjoyed reading about the 3 C’s of marriage work.  Sure, this may be an over simplification. But the 3 C’s are at the starting point for everything else. Next we can tackle roles in a marriage.

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Because I love being married…

I wanted to start a blog about marriage mostly because I love my wife and I love being married to her.  I can’t imagine another life.  We love our life together.   We complete each other and we feel that us two have become “won.”

That is not to say that we have a perfect marriage.  I think that concept is impossible when you consider that none of us are perfect and two imperfect people cannot a perfect marriage make.   In addition to our imperfections, the most striking aspect about our life is that we both come from broken marriages.  So how is it possible that two people with such a past have been able to form such a happy union?  

Well, there is no short answer to this question.  But first and foremost is that God is at the center of our marriage.  In addition, just like an athlete who may have incredible physical gifts and abilities can’t become great at a sport without practice, a happy and successful marriage isn’t possible without work.Image

Why start this blog?   Because having come from a broken marriage, I know the pain that is involved when ones parents’ divorce.   Because I wish my parents would have had some tools in their “marriage bag” that may have been able to repair what was broken.  Because I wish my father would have understood what it means to be a leader in the house.  But most of all, because I would like everyone to be able to say that they have “won” in their married lives.