The marriage relationship can be beautiful, fun and fulfilling. But it can also be difficult and challenging at times. Because two imperfect people come together to form a union, the interactions between them aren’t always stellar. At times communication break downs occur which lead to disagreements.

Because all couples experience disagreements and arguments, some more “spirited” than others, it is important to have an understanding on which lines should never be crossed. For instance, name calling and cheap shots should never be a way to gain a perceived advantage during an argument.

It is very important to remember to always to set these boundaries and to always choose love. In this manner your commitment to “won” will never fail.

What are ways you prevent escalation and maintain “woness”?

“Mom, he just doesn’t understand the way I feel. He constantly talks down to me.” “Hey dad, we just can’t get along. She expects too much. Should I call it quits?” 

If these are the questions either husband or wife are asking, and if these are the people from whom they are seeking answers- their parents- then there may be a good chance that their marriage could be in danger. The fifth sign that a marriage could be in trouble is if either person involves parents in their marital problems.
Marital problems will happen. It’s not a matter of if, but when. They are not fun and can a temporary break in fellowship. But these problems belong to the married individuals, not the respective parents. Scripture is clear that a husband is to “leave and cleave,” Genesis 2:24. And this means that the individuals are cleaving to become “won.” Involving others in arguments will most certainly breakdown communication. This has the potential of making the husband or wife feel that trust was betrayed and getting that back is an uphill process.   

If there’s a significant problem that can’t be worked out, a neutral third party such as a pastor or counselor is always the best way to go. What’s needed in these situations is someone who will speak truth an life into the situation, not someone who will pick sides.  

So there you have it, 5 signs that a marriage may be in trouble. Do you have any other signs to add?

 Well, so far I have listed three out of four possible reasons for a high divorce rate, even among Christians. To review these were: Unmet expectations, not counting the cost and unequal yoking.

Now I’d like to discuss the last reason, which may actually be the most important and the most tragic: failure to invest in the marriage.

When the word invest is brought up people may think about mutual funds, or retirement accounts. In other words our minds usually turn to something on which we can have a return. The principle is that the more you invest the bigger return you will earn and visa versa. However, investment doesn’t always have to apply to a financial goal. In biblical terms, this can be described as sowing and reaping. 

Investment can also apply to relationships, specifically the marriage relationship. The old adage about quality versus quantity would apply here. Investment in this context refers to where and how our time is spent within the relationship. Not only that, where we choose to invest says a lot about what we are passionate about. For instance, if most of my free time is spent playing sports or working instead of nurturing my relationship with my wife, it would be clear that I’m very passionate about sports or work. In the same manner, wherever I choose to apply my time, energy and money, there will my heart be also.  

If we consider the sowing and reaping principle again, one could say that what you sow into your marriage, you will reap. If I sow quality time, encouraging words, acts of service and open communication, would it not follow that I would reap love, joy, peace? And fellas: you might actually get playtime with your friends, LOL! In other words, intentional investment can have great returns and make the difference between a successful marriage and one which is fostered by resentment and bitterness.  

What does this look like practically?The best way I can explain this is by borrowing three words I saw that a certain company uses to describe their service: Invest, Protect, Extend.

INVEST

When we invest in those things that are important to us or things that we value, these things also receive our interest focus and passion. Guys, we all did this during courtship. Ladies, your TV shows and/or friends were not as important during dating. Investment does not just involve date night but more importantly involves talking about potential problems, Sharing each other’s days and serving one another.  

PROTECT

Protection can involve limiting our time from distractions that can remove us from being able to invest in our relationships. This can be TV, sporting events, social media and yes, even children activities. This can also involve protecting ourselves from engaging in inappropriate communication with the opposite sex. 

EXTEND

And finally extend. This refers to reaping and sowing. If we spend time investing in our marriage, we will be much more likely to prolong the life of the marriage relationship.  

Please do not get the idea that these things are easy to do. It does take work. And just like any activity, work will take energy. But it is only through intentional investment in that which we care about that we will be able to realize its full potential. The full potential of a marriage relationship should be the true merging of two to “won.”

In my last post I shared what a possible third reason for a high divorce rate may be: unequal yoking.  But what if you’re already in a unequally yoked marriage?  What’s the solution?  Try to change your spouse?  Separation or divorce?  Absolutely NOT, on both accounts.

In my last post I mentioned 4 possible reasons for the high divorce rate. The first reason is because of unmet expectations.

Sometimes both men and women can have a predetermined expectation of what a perfect spouse should be like. And this expectation is carried with him or her for several years into a marriage. The problem with such expectations is that the starting point assumes the impossible: that there is such a thing as a “perfect spouse.” As I stated in my last post, we are all flawed.

An expectation that men may have that can lead to severe disappointments is the expectation of having a woman who will “take care of me,” “clean for me,” “cook for me” and “wash for me.” Well, that sounds like a maid not a wife! Wives are to be helpers of their husbands, yes, but that does not mean that a husband “lords it over” his wife. The husband should lead in a way that glorifies Christ. That means we lead by serving. Husbands need to remember that we “leave and cleave,” as the bible describes in Genesis. We do no inherit another mother but a helper who is our equal. As husbands, we have the responsibility of leading as Christ leads us.

Wives are not immune to having unrealistic expectations either. I have heard women on occasion say that they wished their husband would be romantic all the time. Not to say that a husband should not occasionally and surprisingly keep romance in the marriage, but to expect this on a daily basis is what Hollywood sells not real life. Job requirements, school and children activities can be very exhausting. Romance in the mist of this chaos can look different than unrealistic expectations. Cooking a meal, cleaning up the kitchen or helping to fold the laundry should be just as sexy as a two night stay at a bed-and-breakfast. Now this may not pack the same punch as a spontaneous vacation getaway for two or flowers sent to you just because, however expecting such actions to be a true test of love in marriage is a recipe for disappointment and failure.

A better test of true love in a marriage is how the husband treats the wife daily. A good litmus test for this is Ephesians 5 and 1 Corinthians 13. Using a “romantic” meter to measure true love is flawed because it uses a worldly “how I feel standard” to measure a husband’s (or wife for that matter) worth. Yes, I understand the emotional side of women wanting to have things done that will stir up their emotions. However, Hollywood is not reality. There’s nothing wrong with flowers sent to the office or home or a surprise as spontaneous “let’s go out to dinner night.” But when did just serving each other on a day-to-day basis not become enough? When did providing for your family and treating your wife as Christ would the church not become enough?

Now husbands, before we become puffed up, let us be reminded that in our eyes we may have done “enough,” but for our wives it may be the opposite. We can very easily get stuck in the “provider role” and neglect caring and romancing. I’m not suggesting that one should be done at the expense of the other. What I am suggesting is that in order for a marriage to be successful, in order for two to stay “won” we must listen to our spouses desires and love language as well.

On my next post I’ll discuss the second reason that can be the cause of a divorce: Not counting the cost.