Taking time to celebrate us and our “woness” is something we live to do. So yesterday, we had an opportunity for an outing and we took advantage of it.
We really didn’t make any plans and neither of us were feeling something extravagant, so we just went on an impromptu lunch date.
Great company, fun conversation and time in each other’s gaze was all we needed to invest in our relationship bank.
Valentine’s Day is a special day for couples, married or not. However, if Valentine’s Day is the only day where a married couple is celebrating their “woness,” something is wrong.
The cards, chocolates, heart pillows and teddy bears are fine. But all this should be an expression of what has been going on throughout the year. In other words, the Valentines kindness should be an overflow of the sacrificial, selfless love that characterizes a healthy marriage.
So today, let your gifts be not a high point of your union but a reminder of the love that daily makes your “woness” special.
As I was sitting contemplating about some things that were stressing me out, I was somewhat oblivious to my surroundings. I was so deep entrenched in my anxious thoughts, that I didn’t realize that my wife, had called my name three times.
She then asked me what was wrong but I told her nothing. Now, I don’t know if it’s because we’ve been married 24 years, but she knew I was lying! So she asked me again, and again I just kind of shrugged off the question.
She then turned back to her book and became quiet.
This quietness lasted for most of the night and then she simply got up and went to the bedroom. I thought she’d be back in a few minutes but after about twenty minutes I was still alone in the living room. This sometimes happens when we’ve had a disagreement. But I knew this was different.
So I make my way to the bedroom thinking about whether I should just leave it alone or ask her what was up? Clearing my throat, I asked her why didn’t she tell me she was going to bed as she usually does. Her response was that she felt that I did not want to be bothered.
I then felt compelled to share some of my anxieties and concerns. She let me know that in all that time that I was concerned and worried about things which were temporal, I deprived her of the thing that she looks forward the most. And in a clueless manner, I asked her what was that? She proceeded to tell me “You!” Wow! She was right.
Although as men, we are supposed to be protectors and providers, as husbands we must never forget that our first priority is to love our spouse. And in loving, all the other areas of “woness” will never be sacrificed.
It is common to think about resolutions as we celebrate a new year. Whether it’s a new diet, a work out program, an organization plan for our hones or a goal for work, we often usher in the new year with such promises. Some people also purge old clothes from their closets.
However, as 2020 ended, resolutions were probably not on high list of priorities as much as just a simple wish for a better year!
Nevertheless, in light of a new year, I wondered whether married couples use this concept to improve their “woness.” And honestly, if we really think hard, we can all work on throwing away some things that don’t really serve to strengthen a marriage. Things like pride, sarcasm and anger. And as we turn our backs on different degrees of these old ways, let’s ring in a new year by allowing our interactions with our loved one be characterized by grace, humbleness, gentleness and patience.
What are some new things that you could do to improve and strengthen your marriage?
As I recently celebrated another birthday, I’ve contemplated a lot on what the day actually meant to me. This is because I was celebrating more than just the day of my birth. I was also celebrating the one year anniversary of my prostatectomy procedure and the fact that my dear wife made me go get a physical, which led to my #prostatecancer diagnosis. I celebrated not only my birth but also my wife’s commitment to #insicknessandhealth. Her commitment to “woness.”
This month is also #prostatecancerawarenessmonth, which reminds me that I am now part of a brotherhood of men who fight and have fought this highly treatable yet terrible disease.
Yes, this birthday was like no other. It was definitely a celebration of life in more ways than one. Probably my most important birthday!
So what’s it like to hear you have cancer right before a vacation? Well, let’s just say that it wasn’t in my bucket list.
After our vacation, came the follow up visit. As it had already been related to me, I would need some diagnostic studies to rule out any spread. Oh yeah, I guess this is a good time to say that I’m a doctor and I was very familiar with all these steps. Familiarity, however, didn’t add any level of comfort. It did however, allow me to cut out the middle man and schedule my own tests! In my sense of losing control I needed to feel like I still had some, even if it was in my own head.
As I laid motionless on the hard, cool table for the bone scans, I could see my images on the screen and immediately knew there was no spread. I guess my knowledge was helpful in this case. But I also knew that the next step involved a discussion of treatments. And I knew that I was facing radiation or surgery. However, I thought for a moment how someone in my shoes would feel if they didn’t have the medical knowledge that I did. Would they feel lost, out of control and helpless? I think they would. Because in a way, so did I.
I guess I also have to share at this point the fact that my darling bride of 23 years was with me during these visits. It was very reassuring to know that I had her support. I told her she didn’t have to go with me but in a very assertive way, with a not so nice look she said, “shut up!” That made me happy.
To be continued…
Why me? This is usually the question we ask ourselves in the midst of a trial, an obstacle or a difficult situation. What if we started asking, why not me? Would anything change? Would it make a difference? Would we be better equipped to face a life storm?
I don’ know. Maybe. But those times of doubt, fear and anxiety will still be present. Yes, they will. However, by focusing on God’s word and His promises in and during a storm, by focusing on what can be learned, by focusing how to stay strong and positive and by focusing on the love of a spouse and/or friends, our mindset will be more positive, which will give us strength to fight battles.
You ask how I know? Because I’m in the eye of a storm right now! And although I’ve had moments of despair, fear, anxiety and doubt, three things have helped and continue to comfort and strengthen me:
1. God’s word on which I meditate daily
2. The love, strength and support of my wife (and my kids)
3. The prayers, messages from friends and talks with friends and people who have been down this road
What follows over the next several weeks is a description of the life storm that we find ourselves in at this moment. It is my battle with prostate cancer. More correctly stated, “our battle.” Because I do not fight alone but with the Lord by my side and as “won” with my beautiful, loving wife. My hope and prayer is that this would serve as, first of all, a testimony to God’s grace. Second, an example of how the love, sacrifice and support of a spouse can give strength and courage. And finally, as a resource to men who have been diagnosed with prostate cancer.
The fact that I love my wife may be evident by anyone who reads my blog. But that our love has grown even deeper in the midst of this storm is a blessing that I never saw coming! I love how she has made me stronger, how she has encouraged me in my low times, and how her fervent prayers have reminded me that “greater is he that is in me than the one who is is in the world.”
Men between 40-50 years old, if you get nothing else from this, please understand how important it is to have yearly physicals and have blood drawn for PSA level. It could save your life. Remember, your family needs you. Therefore, show them your love by taking care of yourself.
She’s beautiful. The kind of beauty that radiates from the inside.
She loves life and loves speaking life to others!
She’s analytical. She’s often deep in thought about a lot of things.
She’s an introvert but she loves that even though I’m an extrovert, I respect her need to withdraw at times.
She loves family and would do anything for her family.
She’s a motivator and deeply enjoys helping others reach their personal and fitness goals one on one.
She has the loudest, cutest laugh in any room! But it’s a joy to see her enjoying herself.
She always has a sacrificial kind of love.
She always believes in me and makes me feel strong.
In short, I love her because she means everything to me!
Gentleness, kindness, and self-control will produce more fruit in a marriage as a post to sarcasm.
I wanted to share a story about encouragement in our marriage. But what does this word mean? What does it entail? Well the dictionary definition of encouragement is “the action of giving someone support, confidence or hope.”
Well, as an example of this I’ll share our experience over the past year or so. Recently, my wife changed her work hours to where she has Fridays off. She also has engaged in personal development, which I think is great! In addition to this, I am two years into opening a business.
Now marriage is hard enough without adding some stressors and twists. But when we decided to push forward with these changes we also made a decision to support and encourage each other. How did we do this? By giving each other space when needed, telling each other we believed in one another, picking up the slack for each other, just being attentive and by praying for each other. The more we did this for each other, the stronger became our intimacy, confidence and prayer life.
So as we found, again, a little encouragement went a long way in the long term investment of our marriage.
What are some ways you encourage your spouse?
Two Becoming Won 