marriage partnership

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Signs That Your Marriage Is in Danger- Part Three

The third sign that a marriage may be in danger is if couples invest more in their kids than in their marriage. Soccer, football, cheerleading, gymnastics. These are all good things. But if mother or father are spending more time in these activities than in maintaining their marriage, that relationship will suffer. It can be challenging to keep connected in the midst of these activities but couples must find a way. Not only will it make the marriage stronger, it will also be a model for the kids to see that their parents value their marriage.    
Sometimes this may even mean forsaking some activities. I know that’s not a popular thing to say in a day and time where everyone thinks that their kid is the next Tiger Woods or Steph Curry, but if one less activity helps a couple remain engaged then that should be a priority.

However, there are different ways to make a marriage work in the midst of activities. It takes creativity, desire, and an understanding that two cannot become “won” without investing time, energy and love. 

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Signs that Your Marriage is in Danger- Part Deux

The second sign that can signify danger in a marriage is if couples stop investing in each other. I presented this topic previously as reason for high divorce rates, https://twobecomingwon.com/2015/07/15/marriage-investment.  

In order to get a return on any relationship there must be some sort of intentional investment. If the only time a husband and wife meet is after work in the evening’s for dinner, and the rest of the time is filled with children activities or home projects, there will not be much of a foundation to build upon.  
We all have a need to feel loved, accepted and valued. This is especially important in a marriage. Failure to invest in these needs leaves your spouse’s “marriage bank” depleted. When the emotional needs bank is running in empty there is room for bitterness, resentment and lack of intimacy. When these items are continually deposited into this “bank,” disappointment and desperation can set in.  

This can be, and usually is a slow fade. We will reap from a relationship what we sow. How are you investing in your marriage or relationship? 

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Signs That Your Marriage is In Danger

 It was a clear but brisk day in the Fall. Everything was seemingly going well with Joe and Elaine. But on this day Joe entered the kitchen as one enters a theater knowing exactly where they will be seating. Noticing Elaine by the sink, he dropped the bomb; “I don’t want to be married anymore.” Elaine stood lifeless as if a news anchor had just announced that Mars was invading the Earth.  

These are fictional names but the situation is only slightly altered. How could something like this happen? Is this even possible? Weren’t there warning signs? 

 The answer to all these questions is yes. As the old adage says, where there’s smoke there’s fire. Unfortunately, individuals in a marriage sometimes either ignore the “smoke” or have blinders tending only to the busyness of life.  As a way to bring some light to this scenario, I will be presenting 5 warning signs that a marriage may be in trouble.  

The number one sign is if couples avoid discussing a difficult topic.

Sometimes couples find themselves in a precarious position of not wanting to discuss a difficult topic as if somehow, magically it will disappear.  This can be an unresolved argument regarding the house, work, kids, finances or a possible problem relationship with someone from the opposite sex.  

Unresolved conflicts can fester and just like cancer, metastasize to all areas of the marriage relationship. Couples with healthy marriages leave no stones unturned when it comes to discussing the difficult things. They understand that the “woness” of a marriage depends on it.

I will be going into the other signs on the next few posts.  Feel free to add some other signs that you think are important. 

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5 things a wife wants to hear from her husband 

 So if your reading this, you probably read my wonderfully brilliant, kind and loving husband’s post https://twobecomingwon.com/2016/01/31/5-things-husbands-want-to-hear-from-their-wives/.   So we, the we being us “two becoming won”, decided it was only fitting that I write the same article from a wife’s view. 
 But first let me talk to the guys out there… If you’re reading this and thinking , “But I’m just not a ‘words’ kind of guy”.. that’s ok. And as a matter of fact ladies, I’m going to tell you the same. This may be a list of things a wife wants to hear, but I’m giving you permission to abide by the old saying “Actions speak louder than words” So as we go through this list, think of ways you can, well, show the words!

1) I love you

Seems pretty common and simple right? But for sure, as years, bills, kids and careers pile on, the most simple and basic words that spurred your life together into motion is either forgotten, assumed or presumed. So for this one, I’m going to break my own rule right off the back! My husband expresses his love for me through numerous acts of service. But nothing beats the butterflies I feel, when he stops the world and stirs such a deep sense of security as when holds me in his arms and says three little words, I LOVE YOU.

  
2) What I love about you

In one of our favorite movies, Jerry McGuire, there is a scene where Dorothy asks Jerry “Why do you love me?” To me, this is the same as asking what is it about me that you hold in high regard. It’s important to a wife that her husband not only tell her he loves her, but to tell her what it is that he loves about her. Her smile, how hard she works, be it in the house, with the kids or in her career… Hearing her husband acknowledge and actively recognize her positive attributes, contributions and qualities lets her know that he pays attention to her. 

3) I Appreciate You

Everyone wants to know that they are appreciated and us wives are no different. I get it, life can get busy and we all go into auto drive in our daily grind. For Rob and I, we do a lovely little automated dance in the morning: I cook our breakfast and make lunches while he makes coffee and unloads the dishwasher. We weave and move around each other like the most precisely choreographed super hero fight scene. It would be very easy for him to eat his breakfast and lunch without a second thought and I myself don’t do any of the above looking for a pat on the head. It’s what makes our lives work. But it does warm my heart, to hear him tell me that he appreciates me and the extra time and effort I take for him and our family.

4) I Hear You

Now, this may come as a surprise to some of you reading this, but every once and a while us wives may have an opinion on a few things, a complaint, maybe even a dilemma or two that we’ll bring to our husbands. Now here is the thing, we aren’t necessarily looking for a solution as much as we are just looking for an understanding ear. We don’t want to know how to fix it, or what to do about it, all a wife wants to know is that her husband is not only listening but sympathizes with her and understand her viewpoint and how she feels, even if he may disagree. This is a sign of respect, validation, and recognition.

5) You are Beautiful

Yeah, sounds rather cliché and maybe even shallow. But before marriage, during the dating stage, the wife’s now husband told her a time or two that she was, in fact beautiful. Wives as women have many admirable, dare I say beautiful attributes beyond outward beauty; we are smart, strong, kind, passionate and we love to have each one of those recognized by our husband (and husbands are more than welcomed to mention some of those in the “What do you love about me”? category). But every wife wants to know that her husband still finds her beautiful in every sense of the word.

So there it is. These five things, all in all, are expressions of love that are not only good for a wife to hear but good for the husband to remember and therefore, good for the marriage. If you think I left anything out or there is something you wives would like to hear form you husbands I’d love to hear your thoughts so please leave a comment.

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What Does Our Marriage Communicate?

I’ve been married 19 years and I just recently thought about what our life communicates to our kids. What have I taught my son about how a woman should be treated? What have my actions reflected about my love for my wife? In turn, how has Lisa’s married life impacted our daughter?

I guess we often think about what kind of legacy we will leave our family. I wasn’t always a good role model, but as I matured in my Christian walk and as the refinement process continues, I would think that I became a better husband, leader, father and disciple. I can certainly say beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have seen that growth in my wife.  

As we have both grown, Lisa and I have made it a point to impart the importance of servant leadership. As I lead my wife, I try to do so by serving her. She has done the same by serving her family faithfully and sacrificially. We have been most encouraged in our “woness” by hearing others tell us that our lives are an inspiration.     This gives us great joy. Not the kind of happiness that leads us to believe that we have reached the mountain top. But instead, a humble joy that God would choose to use such broken vessels to speak life to those hurting or those contemplating marriage.  

I think I can speak for my bride of 19 years when I say that in 2016, we would like most of all to communicate love. Not the emotion. But the verb. We would like to reflect in our lives what Jesus commanded His disciples in John 13:34-35, “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

In this manner we can be sure we will leave a legacy of “won.”

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A Life Worth Living 

As we turned the corner into a new year, the excitement and promises of new goals were dampened by a phone call. My wife got news that her grandmother passed away. Having had traveled to see her recently, we all knew she was not well.  
There is however, always a tension between letting go and relief of a loved one’s suffering. That sadness ebbed and flowed during the viewing and funeral.  

But to hear the amazing life of this great woman of God was not only inspiring but humbling. To hear again that she and her step sister left the Virginia farm as young girls in search for opportunities up North and all she accomplished, was amazing! She not only found work but started her own business and always sent money back to the family.

Ms Marie lived a long and fruitful life with her husband, William, of over 50 years, before he passed away. She was a faithful wife and dedicated mother and grandmother. She developed a love for poetry in her later years and also published her autobiography. In addition, she also served at her church body. 

  

There is so much more to share about this amazing lady, but it would definitely require at least 10 more entries. But I think 3 things encapsulate her life the most:  First, her commitment to God, second, her commitment to being “won” with her husband, and last her love for her family and friends.

  
And that my friends, is a life worth living. 

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Better to Do Than to Receive 

Christmas is indeed a beautiful time of the year. I know this post may be a little late…but, oh well.  The hope in anticipation of something new can be very exciting. We anticipate spending time with the ones we love, we anticipate some time off and relaxation. We look forward to Christmas parties and exchanging gifts with people we love.  
Right around this time there is a natural temptation to go all out and be frivolous as a result of being influenced by our materialistic culture.  

There is nothing wrong with expressing love with gifts. After all, some people’s love language is giving gifts. However, Christmas time has become associated with buying more and more. The true message of the Greatest gift is lost with all the hustle and bustle. Furthermore, the sharing of quality time with your spouse is a gift in and of itself.

This Christmas we took a different approach. Although we did exchange some gifts, our motto has become “have less, do more.” This started with our 3rd annual Christmas Eve ice skating outing. We not only shared falls, but laughs and created lots of memories.    

These memories in turn are how the foundation of love continually gets patched up and strengthened. Furthermore, that which is strengthened, is maintained. And that which is maintained is preserved. This is how two stay at “won.”

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My Longest Night

I don’t know if anybody else has been through this, but I; well my wife and I, were recently in a spirited disagreement which led us to do the unthinkable: go to bed mad at each other with our backs towards each other.

You know that moment in a “discussion” when an impasse is reached and there’s no going backwards. There is an option of saying “I’m sorry,” whether or not you’re to blame, another option would be to say “I think we should agree to disagree.” Yet another option would be to stay angry and not communicate at all. You know, the mature thing to do.
Well, we’ve been there recently. The topic of the argument or discussion doesn’t really matter. I don’t know if it really ever does. But on this particular day, for some reason, the topic mattered either because of pride, stubbornness, or stupidity. You know, there has to be a winner and a loser. So our voices got louder as if there was a third-party listening to declare the person with the loudest voice a winner.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, nightfall come and then the awkward time of going to bed without resolution. Do I say good night, do I not say good night, do I say “I love you?”

Do I say anything at all? Do I even sleep in the same bed? What are the rules of engagement? Well, we actually said nothing at all. And it was one of the longest nights of my life.  

You see, even if our anger is justified, it should not supersede love. Just as Paul wrote in Ephesians 4:26, we should not “let the sun go down in our anger.” The anger to which Paul refers is justified anger against injustice or against the precepts of God. Even this anger however, cannot go unchecked or be long lasting. Therefore, our default  (what ours should have been) should  be to swallow pride, engage our spouse and say, “Because I love you, I would like for us to discuss this later. I love you, goodnight.”

In this manner the fellowship of love is not broken. In this manner two can stay at “won.” And to put it simply, tomorrow is not guaranteed for anybody.

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Celebrating 19

19thAnniversaryIt was a rainy day in July, 1996. Although this event was to be held outdoors, threats of hurricane type weather forced the occasion to be indoors. I was nervous about what was about to occur. Was this inclement weather an omen of turbulence ahead? Did I make the right decision? Was I stable enough in my career?   After all, I hadn’t really planned for any of this to happen this way. I wanted to be well established before I tied the knot. Was I truly ready to be a husband? A father?

Well, all those fears and anxieties came to a halt when I saw the doors open at the Merion Tribute House. I know we had invited guests, but all I could see was this angel, dressed in white and a smile that could’ve lit up a New York black out. Her beauty radiated with each step and came to an ever increasing crescendo as she approached me.

I thank God for that moment 19 years ago. Although I was a different man then, somewhat insecure and scared about the future, that beautiful angel has not changed at all. She still gives me strength, courage and confidence. She has also shown me patience, kindness and unconditional love. I have since then become the true man that my angel deserves.

Rob n Lisa Godspell 2014

My angel has always been the wind in my sails, the coffee in my cream, the syrup in my pancakes and the milk in my cereal. So in honor of my beautiful wife, I’d like to share some things that these 19 years have taught me about marriage: First, you can never have enough love. Although we have had our ups and downs, love has brought us back to common ground. Through love we have battled back from a few disagreements and arguments. Through love we have stuck together during difficult times that could’ve easily caused division. As Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 13, our mantra has been “love is patient, love is kind.”

Second, through mutual submission servant leadership has been the focus of our union. Not having had a model for leading in a marriage, I had no idea what this meant much less how to start. But as I learned over the years from Scripture and godly men, the way to lead was through serving my wife. In doing so, we have humbly served each other without keeping tabs of who has done more. Love to serve and serve to love became a model for us. Serving in a Christ like manner, we have attempted to model Christ’s love to our children.

And finally, by forgiving one another we have avoided bitterness, resentment and division. As stated in Scripture, we are forgiven by forgiving. This could not be more important in a marriage. Although there have been times when I just knew “I was right,” this became less important as the two of us grew into “won.” It was only by forgoing our pride and self-satisfaction that the importance of forgiveness became clear.

So as I reflect on my 19 years of “woness,” I thank God for His grace to us. I thank my wonderful angel for her love, grace, and forgiveness. I look forward to many more years of our life together and more chocolate cake.

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Unequal Yoking

I believe the third reason for the high divorce rate, even among Christian marriages is unequal yoking.

If one were to ask questions regarding compatibility in marriage, the usual responses may involve political affiliations, values, careers or how many kids a person may want have. And sometimes, unfortunately, no thought at all is given to any matters regarding compatibility. Faith issues seem to be less of a concern according to most research, especially right before marriage. To enter into a marriage relationship based on the afore mentioned items however, is not building a solid ground for a long lasting, successful partnership.

Even when religious affiliation is considered, differences don’t always detract wedding bells from being heard. In fact, interfaith marriages have been on the rise. According to this NPR broadcast stating that 20% of marriages in US in the 50’s were interfaith and this figure climbed to 45% by the first decade of the 21st century. In the same broadcast, it was mentioned that discussing family values and how to raise children within a world view was important but because society has become more focused on individual satisfaction, these concerns have taken a back seat. This lack of discussion leads to problems.

Looking at this topic from a Christian worldview, there is one primary factor that should be taken into account prior to marriage: whether your future spouse is also a Christian. The Bible describes this as being “equally yoked.” Paul wrote about this in 2 Corinthians 6:14-15, where he warns against being unequally yoked, “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with the Belial? What portion does a believer share with an unbeliever?”

To put this term yoked in the perspective of an agrarian society which is the kind of society in which the Bible was written, a farmer would yoke two oxen of similar size for plowing. This way they could both carry a load equally and efficiently, without one working harder than the other. Imagine for a moment if an ox were yoked with one of my yorkies. How much would Roxy (our yorkie’s name) contribute? Probably close to 0%!! Well, applying this illustration to a marriage, an unequally yoked couple will have different morals, values, priorities and friends. These differences can create significant problems as each person in the marriage tries to “plow” through life.

This is not a New Testament concept. It has always been God’s heart to give us joy through this parameter. In Deuteronomy 7:3-4, as God led the Israelites into the promised land, He gave them commands about unions:
“Do not intermarry with them. Do not give your daughters to their sons or take their daughters for your sons, for they will turn your sons away from following me to serve other gods, and the Lord’s anger will burn against you and will quickly destroy you.” God’s command was not to stifle or harm His people but to protect them and us.

As a married couple plows together through life, “life happens.” Job changes, financial difficulties, family difficulties, sickness, etc. People with different mindsets, values, beliefs, and priorities can have a difficult time navigating together through this maze of problems. The tendency may be to pull in different directions. It is no wonder why a survey by the American Religious Identification Survey of 2001, found that people of mixed religion marriages were 3 times more likely to be divorced than couples of the same religion. Why? I would venture to say that since Christ is not in the center, The foundation is weak and able to break. However, when Christ is at the center of a marriage two can truly become “won” and be able to withstand the pressures and challenges of life. God’s word relates this truth in Ecclesiastes 4:12, “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not easily broken.”

So am I suggesting that is marriage a cake walk as long as Christ is in the center? Absolutely not!! Even with Christ at the center of a marriage, two imperfect people can have difficulty working through life’s obstacles. But when a marriage has been built on solid ground, on the “cornerstone that the builders rejected,” there’s a much higher chance that life’s challenges will be “won.”

So what if one finds themselves in an unequally yoked marriage? What’s the solution? I’ll touch on that in my next post.