Love my wife

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Unequal Yoking

I believe the third reason for the high divorce rate, even among Christian marriages is unequal yoking.

If one were to ask questions regarding compatibility in marriage, the usual responses may involve political affiliations, values, careers or how many kids a person may want have. And sometimes, unfortunately, no thought at all is given to any matters regarding compatibility. Faith issues seem to be less of a concern according to most research, especially right before marriage. To enter into a marriage relationship based on the afore mentioned items however, is not building a solid ground for a long lasting, successful partnership.

Even when religious affiliation is considered, differences don’t always detract wedding bells from being heard. In fact, interfaith marriages have been on the rise. According to this NPR broadcast stating that 20% of marriages in US in the 50’s were interfaith and this figure climbed to 45% by the first decade of the 21st century. In the same broadcast, it was mentioned that discussing family values and how to raise children within a world view was important but because society has become more focused on individual satisfaction, these concerns have taken a back seat. This lack of discussion leads to problems.

Looking at this topic from a Christian worldview, there is one primary factor that should be taken into account prior to marriage: whether your future spouse is also a Christian. The Bible describes this as being “equally yoked.” Paul wrote about this in 2 Corinthians 6:14-15, where he warns against being unequally yoked, “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with the Belial? What portion does a believer share with an unbeliever?”

To put this term yoked in the perspective of an agrarian society which is the kind of society in which the Bible was written, a farmer would yoke two oxen of similar size for plowing. This way they could both carry a load equally and efficiently, without one working harder than the other. Imagine for a moment if an ox were yoked with one of my yorkies. How much would Roxy (our yorkie’s name) contribute? Probably close to 0%!! Well, applying this illustration to a marriage, an unequally yoked couple will have different morals, values, priorities and friends. These differences can create significant problems as each person in the marriage tries to “plow” through life.

This is not a New Testament concept. It has always been God’s heart to give us joy through this parameter. In Deuteronomy 7:3-4, as God led the Israelites into the promised land, He gave them commands about unions:
“Do not intermarry with them. Do not give your daughters to their sons or take their daughters for your sons, for they will turn your sons away from following me to serve other gods, and the Lord’s anger will burn against you and will quickly destroy you.” God’s command was not to stifle or harm His people but to protect them and us.

As a married couple plows together through life, “life happens.” Job changes, financial difficulties, family difficulties, sickness, etc. People with different mindsets, values, beliefs, and priorities can have a difficult time navigating together through this maze of problems. The tendency may be to pull in different directions. It is no wonder why a survey by the American Religious Identification Survey of 2001, found that people of mixed religion marriages were 3 times more likely to be divorced than couples of the same religion. Why? I would venture to say that since Christ is not in the center, The foundation is weak and able to break. However, when Christ is at the center of a marriage two can truly become “won” and be able to withstand the pressures and challenges of life. God’s word relates this truth in Ecclesiastes 4:12, “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not easily broken.”

So am I suggesting that is marriage a cake walk as long as Christ is in the center? Absolutely not!! Even with Christ at the center of a marriage, two imperfect people can have difficulty working through life’s obstacles. But when a marriage has been built on solid ground, on the “cornerstone that the builders rejected,” there’s a much higher chance that life’s challenges will be “won.”

So what if one finds themselves in an unequally yoked marriage? What’s the solution? I’ll touch on that in my next post.

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COUNTING THE COST

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I’d like to get into the second reason I believe that lead to divorce. I have termed this, “Not Counting the Cost.” Any big decision takes thought, consideration, counsel and prayer. This is true for choosing careers, planning a career change, moving or planning a trip. Think of the last vacation you planned. Didn’t you think about dates, coordinate potential dates with work obligations, and how you being out of town would affect those around you?

We spend so much time and effort planning a vacation and a career but our society as a whole spends less time considering the important decision of a marriage. A decision that makes two people united; two people “won”, a decision that has implications for the rest of our lives, a decision that affects all other decisions afterwards, is made with less thought and consideration than choosing what pair of shoes one should buy.

Don’t believe me? Ok, after I said “I do,” decisions of what I was doing after work, on the weekends, or where we should move were made not by me alone but by discussion of two who became “won.” Why? My spouse became part of my flesh and my body part of hers. What happens to my kidneys will ultimately affect other body systems. A marriage is no different. We are now interdependent.

With the backdrop of how two independent bodies start functioning as one, we can now look at how ignoring this can lead to system failure. Imagine for a minute an athlete training for a team fitness event such as a doubles tennis tournament, a team crossfit competition or a soccer tournament. Although these are very different events, if the athlete preparing for his/her respective event ignores proper nutrition, his/her body will struggle. If hydration several days before the event is lacking, performance during the event will suffer. In short, if person training for these events does not consider the amount of training required, the proper amount of rest, the sacrifice that is needed to excel and compete against other elite athletes, he/she will come up short, get injured or exhibit system failure. In other words, not counting the cost of what preparation it takes to perform well will obviously affect the team’s ability to excel.

The same can be said of a marriage where failure to consider the give and take, the sacrifice, and the team work it takes for two to become “won,” will severely affect the effectiveness of the union. Although not a passage about marriage, in Luke 14, Jesus talked about the cost of becoming a disciple, which can have an application for considering the cost of a marriage. In verse 28-30, Luke wrote, “For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not sit down first and count the cost, whether he has enough to finish it lest, after he has laid the foundation, and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish’?”

Likewise, ladies and gentleman, if we don’t sit down and count the cost of what it means to sacrifice, what it means to love, what it means to become “won”, there will be a shaky foundation which will be difficult to last the tests of a marriage.

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Not Only a Father but Also a Dad…

I could not ignore this day, special to many, and to me, without adding a post. I will post the continuation if my last post, but I felt compelled to post some thoughts about what it truly means to be a father. I post this not as an expert on the subject nor as the model of an ideal father, but as man who has learned from disappointments, other men, God’s word and experience on what it means to be a not only a father, but a dad.

No child should have to experience the absence of dad for months. No child should have to see his or her mother cursed at or physically beat. But unfortunately these are the most vivid memories I have on this Father’s Day. And that’s because I may have had a father but never a dad! I harbor no hatred since I did have the opportunity to forgive my father for his lack of commitment and loyalty, but the feelings still linger.

My biological father (I can’t bring myself to refer to him as dad) was hardly around. My younger brother didn’t meet him until he was 7! When he was present, he was more interested in being disengaged and not being a leader. He was more interested in arguing than loving. In fact, I don’t think I ever realized until just now that I never heard the words “I love you,” from my father. Not a great way to model fatherhood. But then again, even if he had said it, they would have been empty words with no actions behind them. He was much more interested in providing an example that if you don’t get your way in a marital argument you resort to the cowardly act of physically abuse.

So you see, although I had a man man who who participated in the act of making a baby with my mom, a biological father, my brothers and I never had a dad. And although we had some other family men, like my grandfather, who stepped up to the task, that void was still noticeable.

A dad, unlike a “baby daddy,” to borrow a term from the common vernacular, will not only make a baby but will provide an example for his baby and kids. The example that a dad should look to pass on has to do with how to lead in Godly love, how to love his wife, how to love his children and how set a standard of what a man is for his daughters. The desire that a dad has to provide a positive influence for his child comes from his love not only for the child but primarily out of the love he has for his wife.

You see, in God’s word and in His standard, a man must first be a husband in order to be a father, 1 Corinthians 7:2-4. This is in line with the rest of scripture which labels sex outside of marriage as a sin, as referenced in 1 Thessalonians 4:3-7,
“For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you. For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness.”

Therefore, being a responsible father must follow from being a good husband. This is called commitment. The husband must love, honor, nourish and cherish his wife in every aspect of her life as we read in Ephesians 5:25-30 and 1 Peter 3:7. Only then will one be prepared to be a good father. For only in this manner will a boy have modeled how a true husband should treat a woman and a girl have a standard from which she can judge all men.

So a man who is a father and wants to be a dad must first provide a positive influence of loving his wife in a manner that glorifies God. The second part of of being a dad is directly related to the children and is a direct mandate from Paul in Ephesians 6:4; “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.” What does provoking a child to wrath have to do with modeling or loving my wife? Well, as a dad I should not do things that make my children angry, resentful or bitter. In other words, I should love my wife not scorn her, I should protect and care for my wife not beat her, I should be loyal to my wife not engage in extramarital affairs, and I should provide for my children not neglect them.

Well these are my thoughts on this Father’s Day. I have been given a true blessing in my kids but also an immense responsibility. I pray that I will always be faithful in spite of my past. Happy Father’s Day!!

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What Does “I Do” Mean?

 

I said "I do" and I still do.

I said “I do” and I still do.

These two words which mark the signature on a binding contract seem to have lost their meaning over so many years.  According to the American Psychological Association about 40 to 50 percent of married couples in the United States divorce. The divorce rate for subsequent marriages is even higher. This being the case, one must wonder if these two words have lost their meaning over time.  Or are they truly being spoken from the heart.

How can the promises that are made between two people as they face each other and later confirmed with, “I do,” lose their strength over time?   How can the commitment behind these two words diminish over time?   How can the love that two people profess to each other simply vanish in thin air?  These are questions that I have asked myself regarding half of the marriages in my family, including my mother and father’s.

Well, as I pondered on this topic, even before I said “I do,” I still never understood why a man, like my father, would dare to make a such an important, lasting commitment if he did not want to be loyal and monogamous.  How could he leave three teenagers behind and establish another family.  I understand that not all situations are the same, but as for my parent’s marriage, the main issue was a lack of leadership and commitment. My father was not the head of the house and never commanded respect from his sons.  He also was not loyal and had no commitment to his own promises – “I do.”  My mother had her own set of issues and broken promises but none of these warranted infidelity.  Of course, after this, trust went out the window.  They had never had laid a foundation for effective communication or the help of the Counselor, so getting over such a tragic situation was virtually impossible.  He then looked elsewhere and left home for another woman.

Those two words, I do, uttered several years before became a punch line.  They became a bed of resentment, anger and lies.  The commitment to “won” became a preoccupation with self.  “What makes me happy,” “How can I have what I want,” “I want, I need.”  “I” becomes the focus instead of “you” or “we.”

I share this story not as a form of catharsis, since I have made peace with my own demons of anger that plagued me as a result of a man not fulfilling his part of a sacred and solemn vow, but as a backdrop to what “I do” should mean.  You see, when I looked into the eyes of my beautiful bride and we exchanged vows, I made a promise first to God and then to my bride that I would love and cherish her, always protect her, work through any arguments, be a servant leader, always respect her, and never leave her.  I also made a promise to treat love as a verb and not a noun.  In other words, I made a commitment to fight for my marriage.

And this is what “I do” means to me. It’s a commitment, a promise before God and bride that two will ALWAYS be “won.”  It means that no there are no obstacles that can’t be overcome.  It means that I commit to making this union work.  Not out of compulsion but out of love.  It means that I and my wife will work on our shortcomings to make our “won” functional.  It DOES NOT mean that it’s easy.  But it does that “It’s worth having and saving.”

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HOW DO WE COMMUNICATE?

Ro-Lisa Orlando

Success can come from our differences:

 It is no secret, men and women communicate differently.  Women are more verbal whereas men are less expressive of their feelings.  Women use conversation to search out or express their feelings and men use conversation as a means to solve a problem.  With such diverging starting positions, can there be effective discussions or communication?

The answer is yes.  Although we are made differently, we were made to complement each other.  This is especially true in the marriage relationship. In a marriage relationship both husband and wife bring their sets of flaws and idiosyncrasies to the table as well as their strengths. These however, should not prevent effective communication.  Nor does either person have to be “fixed” as so called experts would have us believe.

Take my wife and I for example.  I am a huge extrovert whereas my wife is an introvert.  Although I like to talk, I rarely talk about how I feel. My wife on the other hand, can do this rather easily.  My wife is a great listener whereas I, well, I’m working on it.  I am quick to want to find a fix, whereas my wife just wants to work out an issue verbally.  I tend to be a bit sarcastic, which is not always appreciated.

In spite of all this, we have excellent communication because we didn’t just give up trying to communicate after things broke down.  Nope, we powered through and got better.  With the help of the great Counselor, we remained committed to improving.  My sarcasm also improved to an almost imperceptible level….lol

Men and women were made in God’s image and therefore do not have to be fixed. We are however, marred by sin, which is in our DNA.  Therefore, we are not perfect to begin with.  But if you know Jesus Christ as your savior, you have access to a teacher and a counselor.  More specifically, this is the Holy Spirit who lives in us.  We therefore, have access to the fruits of the Spirit as Paul wrote in Galatians.   With this access husbands and wives can be reminded of love, gentleness, kindness and self control.  Since God is love, as John wrote in 1 John 4:8, a couple that is has a true foundation on the Rock, will be reminded of Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians 13:4-5, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.”  This kind of love seeks to improve communication.

Well, the truth is that God made men and women different.  Even with these differences two can still be “won.”  And despite what some “relationship experts” say, men and women don’t have to be “fixed.”

Here are 4 simple ways guys can work at communicating:
One, communicate clearly.  For guys this means that we may actually have to tell our wives how we feel.  This does not come naturally, but we can do this as we grow in love.
Two, don’t problem solve.  In other words when listening we shouldn’t be quick to offer a solution, because most of the times that is not what’s wanted.
Third, be a passive listener.  This means we acknowledge what our wives are saying without being quick to offer solutions or opinions.  And the last item, number four, act only when your wife is done speaking and if she asks you to do so.  From her perspective, she may not want a solution as much as she wants your time. It’s almost like playing “Simon says,”  if your wife does not “say,” you do not “do.”

Although a brief review may be helpful, your wife will usually have no problem reminding you of the 4 keys to communicating in a marriage relationship.  Trust me, I’ve been through the training….lol

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What Can A Husband Learn About the Resurrection and New Life?

Rob n Lisa Godspell 2014

As I contemplate on Good Friday and Easter, I first thank God for sending His one and only Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Scripture is clear that Jesus, Lord of Lords and King of kings, came to be a servant to many; Matthew 20:28, “…even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” He gave us an example of what it is and how to love, as stated in John 15:13, “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.”

Jesus also gave us an example of how to be a great leader in Mark 10:43-44, “Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all.”

I also think about how this applies to a marriage relationship. First, let’s talk about love. If we learn anything from God’s word it’s that love is a verb not a noun. In other words, if I am to love my wife as the Bible teaches me to love, then I have to do more than just say “I love you.” I must show and be the fruits of the Spirit for my wife; gentleness, kindness, patience, peace, joy and perseverance (Galatians).

Second, I must serve my wife with the compassion with which Jesus served. Although my wife also has a responsibility to serve her husband, I must be the lead in this. I must not wait to be served but I must serve with love, with patience and with joy.  Serving in this context means being available, being helpful, being supportive, being loyal, and being trustworthy.  In other words, I am leading by serving.

Third and last, as a husband I must be a leader. Jesus taught his disciples to be servant leaders.  This is also the type of husband I am supposed to be; Matthew 20:25-26a, “Jesus called them together and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you.”  Although this was not a direct teaching about marriage, it does have applications to how I am to treat my wife.  If I am to be the husband that brings glory to God I must not only love and serve, but I must lead.  I am to be the spiritual leader of my wife.  This does not mean that I am her boss or her master. But being a servant leader means that I serve my wife and sacrifice for her.

So let this Easter be a new beginning  to your marriage. Just as Jesus came to make all things new, let the Spirit of the risen Christ encourage you to keep your marriage relationship fresh, new and “won.”