christian marriage

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5 Steps To Being Able To Forgive Your Spouse 

In my last post I described the importance of forgiving your spouse. Now I would like to list five ways in which someone can come to the point where they are for giving their spouse. First let me be clear, in cases of infidelity or physical abuse forgiveness should come later. Trust is a whole different topic. But while the spouse is working and hopefully praying through this, he or she may want to remove themselves from the abusive situation and obtain spiritual council.
But if you’re holding on to a hurt and you just cannot forgive your spouse, you may want to consider five ways to be able to get to that point:

1. Consider the probability that your spouse may not know exactly what is troubling you or what’s been done to offend you. 

 Not telling your spouse also prevents him or her from apologizing. In other words, if you want your spouse to repent give them a chance.

2. Pray for clarity. 

If there has been a continuous offense that has been pointed out previously without an apology extended, the spouse really needs to make his or her feelings known. If however, you’re stewing over an offense that occurred several months ago, then you need to pray that God would give you clarity and peace of mind. This may give you an aerial view of the situation instead of a telescope view. In turn, forgiveness may come easier.

3. Instead of focusing on past hurts focus on the reasons you fell in love 

Changing your thought perspective may actually prevent you from slipping into bitterness. Accentuate the positive and think less about the negatives. This does not mean that your feelings don’t have to be communicated however. But if you’re just having problems getting over something that has already been discussed, changing your mindset, of which you have total control is an effective tool.

4. Pray that God gives you strength to forgive.

The importance of forgiveness was discussed in my last post. The most important reason to forgive your spouse is the fact that God has forgiven us. Your “woness” is much more important than holding on to old grudges. 

5. Read and meditate on 1 Corinthians 13
Instead of stewing on the past hurt or wondering why you did not receive the kind of apology that you wanted, it may help to focus on Paul’s word in 1 Corinthians 13:4-6.

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.” 

I hope this helps a couple having problems in this area.  
 

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Forgiving Your Spouse 

“To err is human, to forgive is divine.” These are words penned by Alexander Pope on “Essay on Criticism.” This is a true statement but seems to be often forgotten in the marriage relationship. Whether it’s holding on to hurtful words, a disrespectful action, or the resurfacing of past wrongs, a unwillingness to forgive can create a wall between husband and wife.  
Instead of dealing with these problems directly, they are worn as a badge of resentment eventually leading to bitterness. The other spouse may not even know that this ticking time bomb exists or he/she may have already apologized. The result of this is a hard and callused heart that questions the marriage altogether.    

Withholding forgiveness is like having ivy growing on the base of a house which slowly creeps along the walls and eventually takes over the whole house. Similarly, an unforgiving spirit will slowly affect a couple’s interaction, communication, and eventually the marriage. This is usually a slow fade as one of the spouses makes a conscious decision to hold on to the baggage of past hurts. Although this affects the spouse who probably does not know what’s going on, it also affects the person withholding forgiveness creating an emotional toll. This emotional toll can manifest itself physically.  


Scripture is very clear, in Mathew 6:14-15, about the fact that we are to forgive so that we in turn may be forgiven by our Heavenly Father:

“For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”  

Therefore friends, it definitely is divine to forgive. It not only can save one from physical ailments, it can also help save the “woness” of your marriage.  

What are steps that a spouse can take to reach a point where forgiveness is possible? Stay tuned for my next post.

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A Mother’s Love

A poem for my wife on Mother’s Day 
A love that knows no bounds,  A love that always goes round and round
A love that really never tires, Because this love is unique and always on fire 

In the morning or at night,  This love is always in flight

A love that is willing and ready to serve,  Because that’s what she thinks others deserve 


A love that is quiet and behind the scenes,  Because that’s the style of my Queen

A love that believes in sacrifice, Because that’s how it is in Paradise 

This kind of love can only come from a mother,  And it’s so pleasant to see when given to another 

This is one of the reasons why I love my wife, Because this kind of love exemplifies her life.

Happy Mother’s Day Lisa

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How About A Re-Cap?

So I wanted to briefly recap the 5 ways to keep your marriage strong with kids because this is such an important topic. Yes, we are to love our kids while they’re being raised.But to do this to the detriment of the marriage is like building a house without a good foundation. Eventually, either while the children are small or after they’ve grown and left, that “woness” will crumble. Remember, the marriage is what sustains the kids NOT the other way around.


So here they:

1. Surprise gifts- let your spouse know that you’re thinking of him/her.

2. Acts of service- serving each other is a great way to keep connected

3. Date night- this is VERY important. This helps the couple remember why they became “won.”

4. Re-connects- there is a way to coexist with multiple kid activities. Stay in the car and talk or go talk over coffee.

5. Intimacy- this is another area of marriage that cannot be ignored. This can range from cuddling, deep discussions, and the physical expression of a couples love. It may have to be planned and scheduled time but this shouldn’t and can’t dissuade a couple from intimacy.

I hope this recap helps and I pray for marriages that are struggling. May God bless your “woness.”

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5 Ways to Keep Your Marriage Strong With Kids- #5: Intimacy 

The ripping and running of life with kids can leave husband and wife dazed and disconnected. Not only does the couple not find ways to surprise each other, serve each other, or have date nights, they also don’t work at intimacy. 

Well, it’s true every marriage needs intimacy. Intimacy can range from sharing our deepest thoughts and fears with our spouse to where one is extremely vulnerable, to the physical expression of a couple’s love. True romance requires time, patience and creativity. This however, is not always possible with small kids around. But that does not mean that a husband and wife should take a pass in intimacy.  

Time and creativity may have to take a back seat to spontaneity and opportunity. In other words, make the most of the small window of time and opportunity you have. Sometimes this may require planning, which isn’t romantic at all, but it is much better than forsaking this important aspect of “woness.”   

As I’ve stated in a previous post  https://twobecomingwon.com/2016/03/20/signs-that-your-marriage-is-in-danger-part-four/, Scripture alludes to the importance of intimacy: 1 Corinthians 7:5, “Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

So, another excellent way to keep your marriage strong with kids is to not forsake intimacy. It is truly important for “woness.”

How do you make marriage intimacy a priority?

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5 Ways To Keep Your Marriage Strong With Kids- #4 Re-connects

As I have stated in previous posts, and as any family has experienced, busy schedules can sometimes lead to a cycle of work, taking kids to activities, dinner, putting them to bed and starting all over again the next day. It is very easy to disconnect in this merry-go round. So why not find 20-30 minutes to reconnect while your at your children activities?
This is was extremely important in my marriage since we all of our extended family lived out of state.

I will admit, our kids are 12 years apart so we didn’t have two kids that needed to go in two different directions. However, both of our kids has friends who we had to occasionally pick up and drop off. And during the soccer years of our oldest, we had a 2 year old to deal with as well. Furthermore, since our daughter was 10, she had a demanding competition cheer schedule. My point is that it can be challenging no matter how many kids you have.
We decided to make “re-connects” a priority. We would go to these activities together and escape for a quick cup of coffee or chat in the car. Yes, you will miss out on socializing with other adults but your “woness” is the priority. This took effort in our part in terms of work schedules but it was well worth it.

Please feel free to share how you Re-Connected with your spouse.

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5 Ways To Keep Your Marriage Strong With Kids: # 2- Acts of Service 

No matter what your love language is, I think everyone enjoys having something done for them. This can be very important in a marriage. Washing your spouse’s car, helping with the cleaning if you don’t normally do it, doing the laundry, or cooking/doing the dishes. I of course am not allowed in the kitchen. Not after the chicken incident of 1999, (long and different story, LOL).
So #2 on the list of how to keep your marriage stronger with kids is  Acts of Service.

  
This may sound strange but on occasion, because of the busyness of life (especially with kids), either the husband or the wife may need some alone time. This may sound counterproductive since there is no “together time,” but this can give husband/wife time to decompress and recharge their batteries. This in turn will allow increase energy and make they better life for her husband. 

The particular act doesn’t matter. The point here is that this will not only make your spouse happy it will more often than not make “won” stronger and it let your kids see that marriage is about communication and teamwork. 

Stay tuned for more.

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5 Ways To Keep Your Marriage Strong With Kids:  #1- Surprise Gifts

#1 Surprise Gifts

  
When there are kids around obviously they need attention. But the parents, husband and wife, must remain connected. Failing to keep connected while raising kids can lead to lack of communication, failure to understand each other and temporary break in fellowship. So finding ways to remain connected is vital to the marriage.

I don’t know too many people that don’t enjoy a surprise. Surprising your spouse with a small gift can be fun, exciting and romantic. It doesn’t have to be a big ticket item either. Flowers, a simple note saying how much you appreciate your spouse, a photo gift of some sort, etc. The purpose here is not to break the bank but to make your spouse feel special.

I will admit, I’m not the most observant person in the world. So surprise gifts take a special effort. But again, this doesn’t have to be anything extravagant. My wife knows I’m not creative. I’ve actually sent my dear wife texts during the day to let her know how much I love her and that I appreciate her. 

These are just small examples but can be invaluable in creating conversation, making your spouse feel appreciated and also it can be a great first step in staying connected and “won.”  

Stay tuned for other ways to keep a strong marriage.

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5 Ways To Keep Your Marriage Strong With Kids 

It is not uncommon in a marriage for the communication and the relationship itself to take a back seat to a child. It’s natural for husband and wife to shift their attention from each other to the child. However, this can be done to the detriment of the marriage relationship if the couple who became “won” is not careful.
  
This can especially be challenging for blended families, where a relationship has to develop with step kids. But for any family, one of most lasting gifts a husband and wife can give to the kids is to model a strong marriage. This was written by Carol Ummel Lindquist, PhD, author of “Happily Married with Kids: it’s not just a Fairy Tale.” Dr. Lindquist wrote, 

“The irony is that a strong relationship with your partner is one of the best things you and your husband can do for your kids.”

In light of this, I wanted to list 5 things that keep your marriage strong when kids are part of the family.  I will list these separately over a few days.  Stay tuned.

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Signs That Your Marriage Is In Danger: Last Sign

“Mom, he just doesn’t understand the way I feel. He constantly talks down to me.” “Hey dad, we just can’t get along. She expects too much. Should I call it quits?” 

If these are the questions either husband or wife are asking, and if these are the people from whom they are seeking answers- their parents- then there may be a good chance that their marriage could be in danger. The fifth sign that a marriage could be in trouble is if either person involves parents in their marital problems.
Marital problems will happen. It’s not a matter of if, but when. They are not fun and can a temporary break in fellowship. But these problems belong to the married individuals, not the respective parents. Scripture is clear that a husband is to “leave and cleave,” Genesis 2:24. And this means that the individuals are cleaving to become “won.” 

Involving others in arguments will most certainly breakdown communication. This has the potential of making the husband or wife feel that trust was betrayed and getting that back is an uphill process.       

If there’s a significant problem that can’t be worked out, a neutral third party such as a pastor or counselor is always the best way to go. What’s needed in these situations is someone who will speak truth an life into the situation, not someone who will pick sides.  

So there you have it, 5 signs that a marriage may be in trouble. Do you have any other signs to add?